This magical day

Christmas is one of the most celebrated seasons and holidays. People rush out anymore before Halloween is even over starting to materialize the special day with presents for their loved ones. It's kinda sickening how much we trivialize such important things just to make money. Christmas became a business holiday. The more we can make it less about the birth of Christ, the more money we can make off of the masses of people rather than just Christians. That's the American way. I get so sick of it. I enjoy the looks on the faces of my nieces and nephews when they open up a gift and see something that they've been longing for. I despise the bad attitudes and greed of the shoppers who will literally trample each other in some cases just to get "the gift." The more the years go by in my life, my thinking of Christmas progressively changes. It used to be about the toys for me when I was growing up. Then, as I really discovered Christ in my own life, it became about His birth and what it meant to the world. Now it has evolved in my mind to family. My family is what makes everything that I go through in the holidays worth while. I hadn't seen Eva and Jacob since summer really. Those are my brothers kids. Today I saw both and you'd have thought that we never missed a day, even though I missed the first 5 years of Eva's life. It amazes me. That special bond that can exist regardless of time is what it's all about. That's family at its best. I can count the number of times that I've seen Eva on my two hands. Today, she sat on my lap as we attacked the new Harry Potter game on her Gameboy together. My other nieces were in rare form today, too. Elise wanted to give me guitar lessons on the new guitar that she has no idea how to play. And boy was she serious. Needless to say, it wasn't the most productive lesson. Olivia wanted to show me her new microscope. She showed me what her glittery lip gloss looked liked magnified about 250 times. Then her hair at 900 times. Very interesting stuff. Last night we all went to church. I had to catch up to the others halfway into the service after I got done singing at another church. The 4 of us that were there together (Mom, Dad, Andy, me) and the music and memories had my mom and brother both in tears. We saw there some old friends from our previous church that now attend near us.
Not everything was roses. I didn't get to see my sister and my oldest nephew this year. There are too many holidays that I don't see them because of her husband's side of the family. Andy decided it completely necessary to get himself drunk again. Not that it's a new thing, but of all the days to make yourself undesireable to be around. His good friend's mom died Thursday night. He came to me in tears saying that we needed to keep on mom and dad about their health. I think at this pace they'll outlive him. I'm not sure what will get him first: kidney or liver failure or lung cancer. He drinks like a fish and smokes like a chimney with no regard for his kids, his family, or himself. It's to the point where I'm depressed and embarassed every time I'm around him. I hate that feeling. I shouldn't have to feel that way. I do.
So that's where my mind dwells. The happiness of the good, seemingly outweighed by the burden of the bad. I'm still optimistic enough to be grateful for what I have. Here's to the holidays. Hope yours are blessed with the joys of togetherness with your family.

Burning desire

I really don't understand why I submit myself to emotional pain on such a regular basis. I saw my last love tonight. It did nothing for me but make me ache for what could have been. I tried to make things possible, but it was a one-sided effort. I told myself that if I came in contact with her, that I would be a statue and give her no response to her presence. When it came down to it, I couldn't bear to be a jackass, even though that's how I was treated before tonight. But I can't force myself to be anything less than a genuine person, and the truth of the matter is, I still care. I'm getting really sick of the saying that nice guys finish last, and then having to live out the truth of that. Chivalry has to live on somewhere. I feel that it lives on in me, but there is no appreciation for it. I must be a really old fashioned person. The problem is that no women are old fashioned and appreciate the type of life that I try to lead. It feels as if it's not worth it to be the way I am, but I also refuse to sell myself short for other people who don't seem to understand how valuable these virtues are. Some day I'll come across the princess who's waiting for her prince to come and I'll be able to treat her the way that she deserves. Right now I'm the toad who needs the charming, believig kiss to make this fairy tale become a reality. Love seems to find those who aren't trying to find it. But I can't stop searching for it and let it find me. If only some of these people could realize what I'm trying to give them without asking questions. I turned 27 on Nov. 29th. I feel like my time is running short to find someone to give a fairytale love to. Nevertheless, I'm willing to take the time to show the person who will listen, accept, and believe in it. Chivalry is not dead. If I turn out to be the only one to prove it, I will spend my whole existence doing just that. I feel that others deserve that truth.