Emo

For as much as everyone complains about a person around them being "emo", AKA emotional, I probably shouldn't say anything about it. But then that would completely make the title of this blog irrelevant. Some people are criticized for their life being an emotional rollercoaster. Truth is, that's exactly what everyone's emotions are: a rollercoaster. I can look stone-faced and tell people nothing is wrong to get them to drop the subject as well as anyone. Inside, my emotions are taking me around one of those turns that cocks your head to the side so hard that you can't move. Here's how I look at it: good times have you at the top of the hill. You can see seemingly everything, you're excited about life and still always a little scared. You get to the top and everything is still cool. Then the bottom drops out of something in your life, and as you plummet back down you are screaming, if only on the inside. You fall so quickly it makes your stomach a little sick. Inevitably, the bottom is reached. The screaming stops, but you're a little taken back by what just happened to you. Throughout the ride of life, you go around all of the other emotional twists and turns, getting whipped one way, then the next. Eventually, you reach the point you were at originally, nice and even. There are only two differences: You can't just stop and get off when you're satisfied with how the ride went. And, it doesn't take near as long to climb to the top of the emo hill. One event can take you there immediately. Unfortunately, the results of that can drop you flat back down to the bottom.

constant search for nothing

I'm searching. For what, I have no clue. All I know is that something is missing. Maybe I'll stumble across it. Maybe I already did and paid it no attention. All I can say for sure is that without it, I'm miserable. I put on a good face. People think that I'm happy all the time. The irony is, I am happy. But, I'm unfulfilled. The one thing that's missing is the one thing that can make everything else truly come together. It's the glue to life, but it can also tear you into a million pieces. Despite the risk of being ripped apart again, I want nothing more than to find it and hold onto it for dear life. But where is it? What is it? Why has it escaped me for so long? I can imagine what it should feel like. The problem is that I can't imagine for my life what it will look like. There's no worse feeling than solitude. With all of the people that I have around me on any given day, the only feeling that seems to remain constant is solitude. They say it's lonely at the top. Can I at least be at the top if I'm going to feel like this all the time? They say misery loves company. The reality is, misery is what it is because it's alone. Otherwise it would have its company to love. They say the nice guys finish last. So, please everyone, finish so that I can see the end of the rainbow, too. Because all that I've gotten from being nice is a little peace of mind, and a whole lot of loneliness.

This magical day

Christmas is one of the most celebrated seasons and holidays. People rush out anymore before Halloween is even over starting to materialize the special day with presents for their loved ones. It's kinda sickening how much we trivialize such important things just to make money. Christmas became a business holiday. The more we can make it less about the birth of Christ, the more money we can make off of the masses of people rather than just Christians. That's the American way. I get so sick of it. I enjoy the looks on the faces of my nieces and nephews when they open up a gift and see something that they've been longing for. I despise the bad attitudes and greed of the shoppers who will literally trample each other in some cases just to get "the gift." The more the years go by in my life, my thinking of Christmas progressively changes. It used to be about the toys for me when I was growing up. Then, as I really discovered Christ in my own life, it became about His birth and what it meant to the world. Now it has evolved in my mind to family. My family is what makes everything that I go through in the holidays worth while. I hadn't seen Eva and Jacob since summer really. Those are my brothers kids. Today I saw both and you'd have thought that we never missed a day, even though I missed the first 5 years of Eva's life. It amazes me. That special bond that can exist regardless of time is what it's all about. That's family at its best. I can count the number of times that I've seen Eva on my two hands. Today, she sat on my lap as we attacked the new Harry Potter game on her Gameboy together. My other nieces were in rare form today, too. Elise wanted to give me guitar lessons on the new guitar that she has no idea how to play. And boy was she serious. Needless to say, it wasn't the most productive lesson. Olivia wanted to show me her new microscope. She showed me what her glittery lip gloss looked liked magnified about 250 times. Then her hair at 900 times. Very interesting stuff. Last night we all went to church. I had to catch up to the others halfway into the service after I got done singing at another church. The 4 of us that were there together (Mom, Dad, Andy, me) and the music and memories had my mom and brother both in tears. We saw there some old friends from our previous church that now attend near us.
Not everything was roses. I didn't get to see my sister and my oldest nephew this year. There are too many holidays that I don't see them because of her husband's side of the family. Andy decided it completely necessary to get himself drunk again. Not that it's a new thing, but of all the days to make yourself undesireable to be around. His good friend's mom died Thursday night. He came to me in tears saying that we needed to keep on mom and dad about their health. I think at this pace they'll outlive him. I'm not sure what will get him first: kidney or liver failure or lung cancer. He drinks like a fish and smokes like a chimney with no regard for his kids, his family, or himself. It's to the point where I'm depressed and embarassed every time I'm around him. I hate that feeling. I shouldn't have to feel that way. I do.
So that's where my mind dwells. The happiness of the good, seemingly outweighed by the burden of the bad. I'm still optimistic enough to be grateful for what I have. Here's to the holidays. Hope yours are blessed with the joys of togetherness with your family.

Burning desire

I really don't understand why I submit myself to emotional pain on such a regular basis. I saw my last love tonight. It did nothing for me but make me ache for what could have been. I tried to make things possible, but it was a one-sided effort. I told myself that if I came in contact with her, that I would be a statue and give her no response to her presence. When it came down to it, I couldn't bear to be a jackass, even though that's how I was treated before tonight. But I can't force myself to be anything less than a genuine person, and the truth of the matter is, I still care. I'm getting really sick of the saying that nice guys finish last, and then having to live out the truth of that. Chivalry has to live on somewhere. I feel that it lives on in me, but there is no appreciation for it. I must be a really old fashioned person. The problem is that no women are old fashioned and appreciate the type of life that I try to lead. It feels as if it's not worth it to be the way I am, but I also refuse to sell myself short for other people who don't seem to understand how valuable these virtues are. Some day I'll come across the princess who's waiting for her prince to come and I'll be able to treat her the way that she deserves. Right now I'm the toad who needs the charming, believig kiss to make this fairy tale become a reality. Love seems to find those who aren't trying to find it. But I can't stop searching for it and let it find me. If only some of these people could realize what I'm trying to give them without asking questions. I turned 27 on Nov. 29th. I feel like my time is running short to find someone to give a fairytale love to. Nevertheless, I'm willing to take the time to show the person who will listen, accept, and believe in it. Chivalry is not dead. If I turn out to be the only one to prove it, I will spend my whole existence doing just that. I feel that others deserve that truth.

Honesty

So is honesty a virtue or a curse that will hunt us down like the plague? Normally that would be an easy question to answer. But it seems honesty has two faces. I never have a heavy conscience if I'm honest with someone. It's always a clean slate. In some cases, I wish I had been less forthcoming. Today, honesty seems to be the bastard child of evil and bad luck. I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's the only way to truly let someone into your life and have them get to know you. Otherwise, you only hide behind the face that everyone can see. People respect that about me and because of that, it's not really taken for granted. Wearing your heart out for all to see is also the most sure way to have it fall to the ground, get trampled on, and shatter into a million pieces of your being. If you manage to pick it up and paste it all together, it's still just a bunch of random pieces. Imagine taking a sheet of paper and putting it through the shredder. If you take enough time, it can be taped up and look like a sheet of paper, but there will always be a portion of it that is lost for all time. My heart is on the ground and has been stepped on, simply because I let truth into the picture and was honest about my feelings and who I really am. I'll start the process of mending it, hoping that it's only in a couple of pieces so that it doesn't take the better part of my next decade. I'll continue to be me to everyone who crosses my path. That's still the only way that I know to be. I only wish to know one thing while I gather up fragments from the soil: If honesty is such a virtue, why does it taunt me and seem to doom me to a life of loneliness? I hear over and over from people that I'm a great person and any woman to get ahold of me will be lucky. So, to that woman somewhere who will be lucky enough to find me, why are you letting me sit here and pine for you and simply imagine who you might be? I'm here and I'm not changing into anything I haven't been for years. Find me. Please. Some song lyrics (I always have some sort of music that fits with my thoughts and feelings. It's an occupational hazard) to explain me:

I'm looking for love this time.
Sounding hopeful, but it's making me cry
Trying not to ask why.
Love is a mystery. Mr. Curiosity be Mr. Please-Do-Come-and-Find-Me
Love is blinding when the timing's never right.
Who am I to beg for difference, finding love in just an instant
Well, I don't mind. At least I've tried.
I've tried, I've tried.

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. Thanks for those Jason!

random quote

Great quote or portion of it. No idea where it came from. Might help certain people who would feel too far separated from some of the ones that are loved the most.

"...contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough..."

*sigh*

Cannonball....I love these lyrics!

Cannonball

There's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
There's still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
It's still a little hard to see,
What's going on

There's still a little bit of your ghost, you're weightless
There's still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can't say what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

There's still a little bit of your song in my ear
There's still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage, teach me to be shy
Cause it's not hard to fall...and I don't want to scare her
It's not hard to fall....and I don't want to lose
It's not hard to grow....when you know that you just don't know

Ages and Ages

It's amazing to me how relative something like a number of years can be. We speak of an era like it were the blink of an eye. The older times are just the same to us and in many cases encompass a century. Weird how so many different values can be attributed to a single word. Ten or eleven years. A very short stint in the big picture of history. Simply the blink of an eye again. As you live your life, it seems like an eternity. Eleven years go by and it almost unfolds as a smaller life written within your larger one. So much can mold you in that time. How is it possible then that a person who is that much younger can connect with you? Perhaps they can't, and we just try to justify it as that. Or perhaps two people's minds can be on the same page even if their ages are not. Still, as we get older, and more of our own lives become history, the gap shrinks almost into extinction. A person 41 and one 30 we may look at and say, "They make such a great couple." Yet if we are to rewind the clock, and they are 15 years younger each, we become judgemental and now we say, "That's disgusting!" Why is it so disgusting, so revolting? Not because history tells us it is. If we look back in time, it was common. And still we don't call those people from those times disgusting, we call them a civilization. The root of this word being "civil." They're just as much if not more civilized than we ourselves. But we're too vain to look at it that way. Because at some point in time, we regarded someone in society so highly, that we embraced their views as the standard for our own. Who's to say that they are really correct? My contention would be that they are blinded by their own misconceptions. Maybe I'm confused and need a reality check. It wouldn't be the first time and, me being human, I would hate for it to mark the last. If it does, I stop learning.