where do the games come from?

I don't know how it happened or why. Before my eyes stands a woman that I am completely enamored with. Time spent together turns to a more intense desire. She can do no wrong....but wait. I say one thing, she says another. I drift away thinking. She drifts away to talk to another person simply to see what reaction will transpire. But for what? Why is it necessary to play games to ascertain a person's true feelings when all it takes is being straight-forward and asking the right questions? I'm a simple person. I ask not much and a appreciate a multitude of things. I also have a line that I draw. Unfortunately for others, it is one that is impossible to find outside of just experiencing it. This is a line that is drawn to keep me from slipping backward into my old life and habits. One that represents the progress of Me. Simple consideration and maturity can keep a person on the proper side of the line.

I desire only that people pay me the respect that I pay to them. That little bit and we get along with no qualms whatsoever. As I say, there is nothing so complex about me that cannot be solved by talking and asking. Communication is the key to lasting relationships. Without it comes confusion and chaos. Those two things will spell the end. Talking toward resolution will spell constant renewal and appreciation. Games of the mind and heart are unnecessary. They are nothing but a hinderance. They are like the many layers of clouds that keep you gazing up and wondering what the sky REALLY looks like on the other side. At this point, I have no time for games. Tell me what is felt on your side and I will return the favor. That is the only time that we can ever hope to flourish together.

Juggling on the Balance Beam

The frustration is unbearable, but it's something that I live with every day. I can't seem to shake it and keep it from simply overcoming me. I can't keep the balance needed to continue juggling classes and homework with practice and a personal life. Oh yeah, throw in needing to get a job, and all of a sudden I don't know which direction I'm going, let alone the direction that I need to be going. At some point it has to end. I don't know if it will be because I finally find the way to manage my time and consequently the rest of my life, or if it will be because something is given up and sacrificed for the good of my sanity. At many times, I contemplate the easy solution: GIVE UP!!! Then I snap back to reality. The only thing that I gain as a result of giving up is failure. I have always tried to avoid failure, so I don't want to just invite it into my head by quitting. Then the question still remains: What is the right solution for me? I enjoy everything in my life right now. It's fun and fulfilling to be able to go to school, sing, hang out with friends, have a few drinks and a lot of laughs. Priorities are the other solution. Having them and setting them down is the key to this whole time management thing that I have no idea about. My struggle is what to consider a priority. Are they the things that need to be done to get a certain grade and simply show on paper what I already know? Are they the things that I count on to make me happy and that I know will last forever if I put the effort in from my side? A few of those things I know of and I still seem to put off or neglect. THE priority is my family; the people who have been there for me all of my life and who, when things really come down to it, will be there for me no matter what. Then there are my friends. I see most of my friends as an extended family. I'd do whatever I had to for them and they in return the same for me. So where does this whole school thing fit in? Well, I know that to do what I want for a career they won't accept anything but a sufficient college degree. I know in my heart that I could step in right now and do it. I have the passion, the knowledge, and the ability. What I don't have and seems more distant every day is my diploma. Since when did a piece of paper supercede someones ability to do the job right? Who started this and made it so popular? Whoever it was, I hope they're dead, so I don't have to waste the time hunting them down. I know everyone benefits from school. I have always believed that. But I can't get over the feeling sometimes that I'm wasting a lot of money and time in the current process of my "education." Maybe I just took the wrong fork in the road. I'm reminded of the text of a Robert Frost poem that was set to music:

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
and sorry I could not travel both.
And be one traveller, long I stood,
and looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth"

I can never escape the feeling that I'm turning the wrong direction. Then again, it could be the perfect direction and I'm too lazy or scared or whatever to brave the pathway through when I am mixed up in the jungle instead of looking down the paved road. So, for now, I keep throwing all of my balls up in the air and trying to catch them without losing my balance. For it seems that under this tightrope, there is no net.

jazz work in progress

"Take Me With You"
--swing feel, moderately fast

-verse freely, almost spoken
We joked a little while
And I made her smile for a little while,
Then I asked her kinda sly
For some numbers that I could dial.

She glanced away real fast and with far much less than grace,
She said "How's that one girl?" with that smirk upon her face.
I said:

-chorus very swing, more musical
Jealousy will get you nowhere,
But flattery will get you everywhere,
And where you're takin me I don't care,
Just come on baby, take me with you!

that's all so far, still working on a couple more verses, bridge, etc. Could be a hit someday! Feedback would be awesome!

--Pat

Never quite enough of

I think so hard sometimes of the things that I have to offer to a woman. I hope that someday the right woman will see them. Consistently, the only thing that I'm left with is what I almost am to them and what I'm still not quite enough of. I'm older and wiser and more mature, but not young enough. I'm athletic and cute and boyish, but not good looking enough. I'm talented and focused on what I want, but I'm not good enough. I know where my faith lies and trust in God's plan for me, but I'm not religious enough. I get by on the money I have and strive for every penny to work for me, but I'm not wealthy enough. I have so much going for me, I hear so many of them say, but I'm never quite enough of whatever it is that they want or need. Even if I was, would they know or write me off, because I'm not enough of something else. If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, what keeps us from realizing that we're both stuck on Earth together and still revolving around the same sun?

Someday maybe I'll be enough of something for someone who's special. Or, better yet, be just enough of everything to be everything for that someone.